On Saving Marriages
Last night and today I have read comment after comment on PreacherMike's site about divorce, remarriage, and the church. There is so much pain there that my screen is almost weeping. I have a story to tell that has helped me stay faithful to my wife, and I am sure there are lots of other stories out there, which could help someone else avoid a really awful situation. Here's mine:
When I was 17, I was dating my dentist's daughter. He was also a good friend in the church. He got me in the chair one day and introduced me to his pretty assistant, Cindy. Then he told me this:
"I want you and Cindy both to hear this. When you work around someone of the opposite sex every day, whether it's school, work, church, or next door neighbors, you will likely become friends. Sometime after that, the opportunity will present itself for you to become sexually involved. I guarantee it. What I want you to do is be aware of that, and decide NOW what you will do with that. Make up your mind what you will do, because it WILL happen."
He was right, it has happened several times, and I was prepared. I walked away, a little disturbed, but I walked away. I would like to think I would have reacted the same way if the dentist had never given that speech, but who is to say? I have told my children this, and hope they are prepared. We get married in an ideal world, where there would never be any concept or thought of infidelity, nor even temptation to be unfaithful. Joseph could testify to us about that. We should prepare ourselves and our kids for those times, because they will probably come to them, as well.
Are there any others out there who are willing to share something to help save a marriage? The story might be either negative or positive, something learned the hard way, or something passed on from a wise mentor, but I think there must be thousands.
When I was 17, I was dating my dentist's daughter. He was also a good friend in the church. He got me in the chair one day and introduced me to his pretty assistant, Cindy. Then he told me this:
"I want you and Cindy both to hear this. When you work around someone of the opposite sex every day, whether it's school, work, church, or next door neighbors, you will likely become friends. Sometime after that, the opportunity will present itself for you to become sexually involved. I guarantee it. What I want you to do is be aware of that, and decide NOW what you will do with that. Make up your mind what you will do, because it WILL happen."
He was right, it has happened several times, and I was prepared. I walked away, a little disturbed, but I walked away. I would like to think I would have reacted the same way if the dentist had never given that speech, but who is to say? I have told my children this, and hope they are prepared. We get married in an ideal world, where there would never be any concept or thought of infidelity, nor even temptation to be unfaithful. Joseph could testify to us about that. We should prepare ourselves and our kids for those times, because they will probably come to them, as well.
Are there any others out there who are willing to share something to help save a marriage? The story might be either negative or positive, something learned the hard way, or something passed on from a wise mentor, but I think there must be thousands.
posted by G'ampa C @ 1:57 PM
7 Comments:
At 6:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
Another warning will be, your close friends. Of course, you get along and become close friends because you think a like. Most often they are of the faith. When one set of friends are usually always happy. The other friend will tell them their problems and sometimes you become enmeshed with the problem. Often they want to be like you and have a marriage like yours. You can sometimes be to friendly. It will happen if you are not warned. Just be aware.
At 9:37 AM,
G'ampa C said…
I agree, Terry. Being close is a really good thing, but it can open doors we don't want to walk through, or even look through. That's why awareness up front is important. Thanks.
At 7:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
I posted a comment on PreacherMike's site. I'd like some feedback. I need your loving advice, G'ampa C. My comment is too long to post here, so could you read that one. It's the 62nd comment, so it's way down at the bottom.
Some of the comments left on that site really hurt me and I don't know that they're interpreting the scriptures correctly.
Advice from anyone would really help.
At 5:53 PM,
G'ampa C said…
Daddy's Girl-
I don't perceive the writer to be saying what you do. The context (when read with the previous stuff) and the discussion in general is more about divorce without cause other than not getting along. You should also be aware that the posts and comments on preachermike are open comments (anyone with any opinion can spout off) and the posts are almost never revisited by anyone after the post is two or three days old.
Let me give you my view on divorce.
1. It is the breaking of a spiritual contract between a husband and wife. In your husband's case, I think it was necessary.
2. Because of what divorce is, does and creates, it is not a good thing, but... in the presence of God's healing power it can be turned to blessing.
3. I believe the way God views divorce is a heart issue. We break our promises to him way too often, too, and what he needs to take us back is a repenting heart. An adulterous mate creates an awful circumstance when he or she pursues the adulterous relationship. Not only is there no repentance, there remains just the opposite. I spent some time answering a lady about this. Her sister's husband had an affair, divorced his wife, married the other woman, and wanted to settle down in the same little church as if everything was OK. It was rediculous to think that was OK. I presume from our conversations that he did not repent or feel any remorse for his actions, so he broke a bond with his wife and then put her through a divorce. Can that be made whole again? No. But it could be made better. Think how much better he could make it if he was sorry for what he put his ex-wife through. Scripture is clear that we are to seek reconciliation with those we offend, and I think the man is in a serious state. Remarriage changes nothing in regard to what he owes his ex-wife, the church, and the family concerning his actions. If I sin against someone in a way that affects them radically, hurtfully and willfully, what do I owe that person? Clearly, an apology and request for forgiveness is in order, and, in some cases, restitution of damages. Now, what does the wife owe the husband who put her through the wringer? Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness.
How do we want God to forgive our sins?
Do we want forgiveness only when we list each one and beg for cleansing, hoping to die with a prayer of forgiveness on our lips so we can squeak into heaven? Or... do we want his forgiveness into the future, cleansing us of every thing we will ever do even before we ask? He has cleansed us from our sins for all time if we remain in him.(Hebrews 9, 10) If it is true that we are forgiven in the manner we forgive (that's pretty clear), what do we hope for from God if we cannot or will not forgive?
4. Divorce ends a contract of marriage. How did Jesus perceive divorce? It was bad, but it happened. Was the Samaritan woman still married to her first husband in the mind of Jesus? Apparently not. She had had 5 husbands and the man she lived with wasn't her husband. Infidelity was the single justification, but it wasn't an automatic command, either (Hosea, for instance). Divorce in the presence of infidelity is, at best, a bad situation. Divorce, in the absence of infidelity, is wrong, whether or not there is another marriage later; but if there is another, adultery is the result. None of these are unforgivable, they are sins, though, with earthly consequences. Does the divorce-remarriage-adultery issue place someone in a constant state of unforgivable sin (without going back to the previous mate)? I don't think so, and I can't even judge without knowing the heart of a person. I can certainly see how someone might choose celibacy if they were convicted of that condition, and they would be right to do so. Yet, Jesus even seemed to give leeway on that subject when he said it wasn't for everyone in Matt 19:10-12.
Almost every time we take a stance on a subject and make our assessment an absolute, we end up limiting God in one way or another. Thirty years ago a lot of things were black and white which don't seem so to me now. I interpret scripture differently now, which means I have either accepted a falsehood now by abandoning what was correct, or I was wrong before in the way I interpreted. I did a post on this on Mike a few days ago.
You should not allow the comments of some in a discussion post to hurt you, especially since they are not directed at you, or you end up being offended by every post. In an open forum, there are many opinions.
What you should do is love your husband the way God intended; fiercely, strongly, spiritually, with all you have, and forever. Offense is one of Satan's sharpest tools, and being overly sensitive to someone's post will almost always take you away from the proper focus.
At 6:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sensitivity is something I've always battled with. I suppose I did perceive his comment wrong, and I guess I am the one needing forgiveness?
I do fiercely love my husband - boy do I! I think maybe that's why my perception of that comment is why it got to me. His ex-wife certainly put him through the wringer. I felt he had suffered plenty already from that relationship, and was angered that someone thought he shouldn't get to have a loving, Christian marriage now because it was "sin" for him to be remarried.
I think my husband has truly forgiven his ex-wife, maybe it's just me that hasn't. Just the thought of someone hurting him so deeply ... rocks me to the core.
Can you clarify something for me, then? A divorce brought on by one or more party's adulterous affair - is an acceptable reason for divorce, if there is no repentance. But divorce for just the "We just weren't in love anymore" - is the sin?
At 2:28 PM,
G'ampa C said…
Daddy's Girl-
I don't know if I can clarify it, but I have an opinion. I think it's clear that divorce is not a good thing. If God joins two people, and they decide they just aren't "in love" anymore, and they divorce, they have broken a bond God forged. Jesus said not to. I think that makes it a sin. So what happens next? Jesus said if they marry another, they commit adultery in the new relationship presumably because it is outside the bounds of that first joining. I think that particular adultery ends at that second joining, but I can't afford to be dogmatic about that.
Is the power of God so weak that it can't make a new person out of a divorced man or woman? Of course not, but scripture isn't clear about what to do about it, either.
It is the heart which convicts us or restores us, and I believe God will work to make his children whole, divorced or not. I do believe that divorce, except in the case of infidelity, is a double sin if the partners remarry or have future sexual partners. 2000 years ago, a woman without family was often doomed to either remarry(hard to do if you were divorced) or become a prostitute to live, which is why Jesus said divorcing one's wife made her adulterous, as well.
This is not a simple issue, and it is not altogether laid out in the scriptures as to what each circumstance calls for. The church, in a misguided effort to avoid being judgemental, has just mostly avoided the issue. That is true of many sins in the church, to the spiritual detriment of all. I believe members of any church should be close enough to each other and the eldership that we can let our guard down and confess our failings. We have not done that well, and it shows in the attitudes we have about sin.
At 12:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
I like some of your comments but they are illogical in nature.
You say:
'Divorce ends a contract of marriage.'
Then you say:
'Divorce, in the absence of infidelity, is wrong, whether or not there is another marriage later; but if there is another, adultery is the result. '
This doesn't even make any sense. You are placing the sin on the action after the sin when you previously state the marriage is over at the divorce. If the marriage ends at the divorce that is where the problem is not with what comes later. This is a dicotomous mindset.
' a woman without family was often doomed to either remarry(hard to do if you were divorced) or become a prostitute to live, which is why Jesus said divorcing one's wife made her adulterous, as well.'
Historically your incorrect. It was not hard for a woman to remarry post divorce she just wouldn't be a first wife. This mirrors the way Muslim countries operate today. Scripture wise what your saying doesn't make sense. Jesus was using a past tense sense meaning a divorce not caused by the woman causes her to commit adultery by ending her marriage. Your version is simply silly. If she didn't remarry(something you say was difficult) how could she commit the sin?
Your making the simple complicated.
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